Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
