My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
