I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
