his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
