I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
