Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
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She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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