i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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