I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
