hotel room ftw
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Say something about gay babies.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
