Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
