I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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