I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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