His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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