I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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