Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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