This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
