She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
