He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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