Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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