I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
where are my eyebrows?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
