You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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