Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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