someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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