Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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