Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
