I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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