Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
