I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
