Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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