I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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