I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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