I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
