You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
