I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
