i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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