Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
