You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
