I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
