So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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