i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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