She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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