god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
