you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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