youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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