dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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