Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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