hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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