wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
