he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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