Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We are all done wearing pants today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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