apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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