He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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