thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
