I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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