oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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