There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
