I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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