No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
