If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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